1.26.2006

International Instigator

Most of you know that I have the incredible annoying ability to instigate dumb arguments between friends. I was at my instigation prime back in college when I single-handedly escalated such melee’s as the Hillman/Ross 12 on 1 punch to the back of the head (To set the record straight I was not present and had no knowledge of it beforehand but if everybody is going to blame it on me I will take the credit) The Hillman-Kyle's eyeballs-Moeshe pile on in ZBT ( I, along with my one-time protégé Brian Teppel, was the ringside announcer on the mic) and the many Evanter-Troy verbal diarrhea wars.

Even more annoying is my ability to fascinate myself with dumb stories that are 1% true. Big Sexy Pops, our favorite two man luge team, etc.

I would like to report that these extraordinary powers have flourished once again in Eretz Yisrael.

Before I get into the stories I want to let you all know how people perceived me on the trip.

1) They called me "Blaze" because I always looked out of it. I tried to tell them it is my natural state of being but they didn’t buy it. One girl thought I had a disease.

2) When they found out the Jen wasn't my girlfriend every guy thought I was gay. Jen and I were real jetlagged and slept on each other the whole bus ride and for the first few meetings. To compound the situation we both were wearing green. I guess everybody assumed we were madly in love and when I finally let the word out that we are just good buddies -- it spread throughout the kibbutz faster then when Jessica dumped Nick. A few days later I'm floating in the dead see, shooting the shit with my boy Josh, when he goes "I was sure you were a real fruitcake, but I guess your ok"

3) People on the trip laughed at whatever I said. Miraculously, bad one liner after bad one liner was met with cheers and rousing applause. Never once did I get a "very funny witty litty, shut up now". When I said why can't we find some illegals to plant trees at the JNF nature preserve -- they loved it. When I bargained down from 2 sheks to 1 to get a piece of pita and then still shortchanged the guy by a few agerot i was a star. Etc., Etc.

That being said here is my first good story (second one will have to wait as I'm running out of time). One late night in the kibbutz in the Galilee we were hanging out in the lobby having a few drinks. We had got back from the bar and just kept on drinking and things started to get silly. Cartwheels in the lobby, biting girls arms, etc. Finally, me, and my partners in crime leor and josh start chasing each other around the lobby. In all the joyous fun Leor decided to start getting destructive.... Below is the story which actually happened and which I have told to our group of 50 at Havdallah service outside in the dark with a flashlight (think sandlot….FOREVER).

The Legend of the Kibbutz Monster

A long long time ago in the land Eretz Yisrael lived the wonderful Kibutznicks. These holy, joyous children of purity loved to sing and dance, and play with one another without a fear in the world. They welcomed visitors from far and wide and therefore were thrilled when their American counterparts came to see how the kibbutznicks lived in peace. They opened their arms with spreads of hummus, drinks of liquor, and tobacco of double apricot from their beautiful hookah.

Little did the holy Kibbutznicks know that one of these Americans turned evil when he consumed the red bull, and the vodka, mixed with many other spirits. Almost like he came from the Sea of Galilee rose the KIBBUTZ MONSTER. Four heads taller than the normal jew, and with aryan hair and blue eyes, the Kibbutz Monster ran through the kibbutz thumping his chest and yelling "RAH, RAH, RAH". Soon the hand-crafted garbarage can was lying on its side, the front desk was a mess, and the chairs were tossed aside. The KIBBBUTZ MONSTER had called for an Intifida on all the inadament objects of the Kibbutz. The lamps flicked with fear and the winds howled as they tried to escape the wrath of the KIBBUTZ MONSTER.

"Hey man, Why are you destroying my Kibbutz?" inquired the inquisitive holy Jonathon. "RAH, RAH, RAH, - Are you talking shit" retorts the KM....

I wish i can tell you the rest of the story but at this point i ran to the bed. As a master of drunken destruction -- jumping into Jamaican ceiling fans, breaking doors, windows, walls and vomiting on anything that stands in my way -- never have i felt that I have sinned. But when you bring it all to a Kibbutz somehow it just ain't that cool. I feel Jewish.

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